THE POWER OF PLEASURE DURING HEALING
There is an underlying belief in our culture that says you have to earn your joy. That you can’t seek pleasure until you’ve fully healed and worked through your grief.
But I don’t believe that.
Pleasure is one of the tools that makes healing possible.
When you’re navigating heartbreak, divorce, or the unraveling of a life you thought you would have, your nervous system is strained, your body is stressed, and your mind is scanning for safety.
When your heart feels exposed, the natural reaction is to restrict, tighten, and postpone pleasure. We tell ourselves it’s inappropriate to feel good in these seasons.
But withholding pleasure doesn’t accelerate your healing. It slows it down.
I invite you to consider what’s possible when you flip the script about pleasure and reframe what it means to heal.
Our culture misunderstands the power of pleasure
Most of us were subtly taught that pleasure is selfish, excessive, and distracting. If you’re going to experience pleasure, it at least must be earned as a reward for hard work.
And when we are grieving or rebuilding after divorce, there’s an added layer of feeling like it’s too soon to feel good and that enjoying yourself is wrong. These layers are intensified if there are children involved in the process, your ex is struggling themselves, or your life looks messy from the outside.
But pleasure is not betrayal.
Pleasure is:
Regulation
Restoration
Your bodies way of remembering it is still alive
It’s time to ditch the belief that pleasure is wrong, bad, or undeserved.
My year of pleasure
After my own marriage slowly expired and my life shifted in ways I never anticipated, I realized that I didn’t actually know how to experience pleasure without guilt.
This surprised me, so I made the decision to study pleasure for an entire year. Not just sexual pleasure, but all of it.
I studied the pleasure of sunlight on my skin, music moving through my body, slowly eating good food, deep breaths after tears, laughter with friends, and being alone.
This year of study revealed one undeniable truth: Pleasure has profound physiological benefits.
I saw firsthand that pleasure:
Lowers cortisol
Regulates the nervous system
Increases oxytocin and dopamine
Improves resilience
Reminds the brain that safety exists .
Instead of the frivolous indulgence I considered pleasure to be, I learned that it’s an intelligent way your biology cooperates with your healing. As I leaned into pleasure, I found that my body softened, my creativity returned, and my confidence deepened.
Pleasure wasn’t interrupting my healing… pleasure accelerated it.
Redefining the power of pleasure
When we talk about the power of pleasure, many people immediately think of orgasm. But pleasure is much more expansive than that.
Pleasure is warmth, beauty, movement, touch, rest, and connection.
Pleasure is gratitude in action. It’s your nervous system’s way of inviting you to stay in space that feels good.
The power of pleasure is found in its ability to ground you, reconnect you to your own body, help you slow down, and shift out of “fight or flight” mode.
If you’re feeling resistance even reading this, I understand. We’re taught that we don’t deserve pleasure when life is hard or while we’re in the midst of grief. But healing isn’t a punishment, and you don’t have to suffer your way back to wholeness.
Pleasure is the most powerful way to:
Support growth through a regulated nervous system.
Build your resilience.
Open yourself up for more connection and love.
Widen your capacity to grieve and heal.
Small ways to rediscover pleasure
Introducing pleasure to your life doesn’t require a dramatic intervention or overhaul. The best way to enjoy the power of pleasure is to start small.
Challenge yourself to notice one thing that feels good each day. You can write it down in a journal, a note in your phone, or just pause and recognize the small pleasure in the moment.
Let your coffee be warm instead of rushed.
Stand in the sun for thirty seconds longer.
Listen to a song and actually feel it.
Move your hips in your kitchen.
Buy flowers for your own table.
The goal isn’t to become an entirely different person. You simply want to remember that pleasure is your right, and you deserve to feel pleasure no matter what else is going on in your life.
The power of pleasure and intimacy
If you want to create a better, more conscious, intimate relationship in your next chapter, you must be able to experience pleasure in your own body first.
A new partner can’t regulate you if you don’t know what feels good. You’ll be unable to communicate desire if you’ve shut down all sensation. And you can’t build erotic depth if you associate pleasure with guilt.
Pleasure brings you back to yourself. When you’re connected to your own pleasure, intimacy can become a collaborative experience.
You are allowed to feel good
You don’t have to wait for some magical future time to start seeking pleasure. I don’t just say this as a sex and relationship coach. I have personally walked through the heartbreak, grief, and uncertainty of divorce.
Allowing pleasure into my life didn’t delay my healing… it transformed it.
Pleasure is one of the best parts of being human, not something you earn at the end of a journey. If you do one thing for yourself while healing, begin seeking pleasure today. It may just be the thing that carries you through.